What is it about grief that makes you become a member of a club that you did not sign up for. Is there some sort of energy that surrounds you that other people can see and because of their own grief, they gravitate toward you? It’s like a mini grief support group happening at the most interesting of times.
This happened to me very recently on a mini vacation that my paramour and I were on. We were enjoying a wonderful dinner and drinks outside under the lights. We were having good conversation and admiring our interesting surroundings. We did have an in-depth conversation about the loss of my best friend, but otherwise, the mood was calm, easy, and relaxed. As we were talking, another couple proceeded toward us only to stand at a makeshift bar next to our table. Mike, being the friendly and engaging person that he is, said hello. Within a few moments, the couple found their way to the two empty seats at our table. Now I would not be transparent here if I didn’t say the couple had a few drinks in them by the time they sat down to talk with us. They introduced themselves as Mike and Wendy (who were just friends). Conversation started at a superficial level, but quickly advanced when the young lady went to the rest room, and her male companion told us that he is wife of 20 plus years just died 2 months ago. She died suddenly. He said it was the widower maker. And just like that, he and I had a connection. Another member of the grief club.
Once back from the restroom, his female friend caught herself up on our conversation. She immediately tried to placate him. She tried to use words that each of us who are in the grief club cringe at hearing. She said he would be ok, have another drink, do not dwell on your loss, focus on what you have in front of you. I could tell she was shutting down his emotions. She wanted to put the band aid back over the wound so she would not have to see it anymore. Often grief club members experience a “Wendy” during their grief process. A Wendy does not know what to say so they will fill up a silent void with empty words. They offer sympathy, but they do not offer empathy. I never understood this difference until I joined the grief club. And let me tell you, there is a difference. I will never forget the year my parents died, that spring I went to the beach with my best friend. She was a second daughter to my parents, and she lost her dad when she was 7 years old. When I sat and talked about watching their swift decline, her eyes filled with tears, she reached and held my hand and gave space me to be sad. That was empathy. When someone sits down with you in your time of agony and does not try to fix your emotions away. Brene’ Brown is such a great resource to better understand the difference between sympathy and empathy.
I looked right into Mike’s eyes and said, “My god man how are you even walking upright?” Relief flooded through him. I told him my story and we recognized our club membership. Mike began to open up and speak freely about his emotions. How hard it has been over the past two months and he’s finding he has good days and bad days. I could offer some normalization to him that he is on the right track with his grief journey.
Grief can be a lonely place. I find even now; I sometimes like being in that lonely place. It feels like it is the only thing that is mine. The memories are mine to keep. Maybe it is the social worker in me, or the fact that I am a strong empath, but I feel emotions deeply. Being an empath also means other’s gravitate toward you and desire to tell their story. That night, after our experience with Mike and Wendy, we pondered the coincidence of the night. My Mike and I saw it as a cool thing. A situation where someone was clearly hurting and trying hard to find a real empathetic connection to validate his feelings. Mike would call it a God moment; I would call it mutual recognition of membership in the grief club. Have you experienced this type of connection? Take a look under the resources to see the video by Brene’ Brown. She is an excellent resource!
Shes her mother's daughter 