I was reflecting over the last post which discussed meeting other members of the grief club and thought I might have been a little harsh concerning what NOT to say to people who are grieving. I wanted to do a follow up post because I know from experience that people do not know what to say to someone who is grieving. It is an uncomfortable place to be in, especially when you feel that the person grieving may need to start moving on and get over the loss. I put together a few more resources and added them to the resource page. When you have a few moments, jump on over there and check it out.
During both of my parent’s services, wonderful friends and family members came and provided so much support to my family. During this time of loss, I heard a few common phrases such as “Your mother is in a much better place”; “she would not have wanted to live that way”; “Crystal, you would not have wanted your mother to suffer”. Now please don’t get me wrong when I say this but, no shit, of course she’s in a better place and yes, I wouldn’t have wanted her to suffer any longer, but and this is a BIG BUT, she’s physically missing from me. That is what I am grieving. So when people tell me that she’s in a better place and you (Crystal) wouldn’t want her to suffer any longer, what you are essentially doing is shaming me for feeling sad that I lost my mother. Now, as caring, and compassionate people, I know this is not anyone’s intention, but the words we say during vulnerable times impact the person you are saying them to. As people who want and desire to make others feel better, we say things thinking it will help, when in reality, a genuine hug, a hand squeeze, sending food, card, flowers, they all are ways to allow a grieving person to know you are there and feel their loss. Words have lasting impact.
Personally, having experienced the loss of 4 people in the last 5 years has taught me a thing or two. Before my own loss, I was the person who said those phrases. I thought I was helping. I thought I was offering some level of support. I remember reading an article when I was going through my bereavement training and being offended by the article. The article was similar to this blog, what NOT to say when someone was grieving. I took offence because I said those things and my heart was in the right place. Now being on the other side, I totally understand why those phrases are not helpful. But I still struggle with what to say. I have a wonderful friend who just lost her grandmother. Her grandmother had been ill for some time and the family was watching her decline slowly. When my friend told me her grandmother had died, my first response wanted to be thank goodness she is no longer suffering. But I stopped myself, because even though I know that, and I am sure my friend knows that she is grieving the physical loss of her grandmother. So, what do we say? Even saying to her, I know how you feel isn’t the right answer because I have no idea how she is feeling, in fact my friend may not even be able to state her feeling into words. So, what do we say in these situations: According to grief.com here are phrases to say to someone who is grieving:
- I’m sorry for your loss
- I wish I had the right words
- Give a hug and say nothing
- Just be present and silent
My favorite and I use this a lot: “My favorite memory of your loved one is” or “Tell me your favorite memory of your nana”. I find both of these phrases work well for when you really knew the person who died, and it helps when you don’t know the person who died, but you are supporting your friend.
Grief.com also provides phrases to NOT say to someone who is grieving:
- At least she lived a long life, many people die young (CRINGE)
- He is in a better place
- There is a reason for everything (oh really, I don’t want to be taught this reason)
- Aren’t you over him yet, he’s been dead for a while (I can’t even on this one)
- You can still have another child……
- Be strong (WORST of the WORSE)
Remembering that using words can’t fix the outcome of death. We can’t make it all better, what we can do is be present, we can offer unconditional support, even months or years later. We can listen to the stories, the memories and hold space for the individual to be vulnerable and real. Grief has no timeline, there are not stages or process’ people need to go through to get to the other side of grief. Grief is a wave in the ocean. Sometimes the wave is small and riding it is easy, some days the waves are huge and all you can do is hold on tight and pray that you will not sink down to the ocean floor.
What have you experienced through your grief journey? Any phrases or words that provided you comfort?
Shes her mother's daughter 