Well, I took the plunge and made it public! What better way to get wet than to jump right in. It’s been an interesting few months. I can honestly say that the pandemic shut down forced me to face the emotions of loss head on. What I didn’t even realize I was doing was filling my time with “stuff” to avoid facing my grief. Sure, my grief hit me (and usually at the most opportune times), but I never allowed the grief to stay. I pushed it down because I was at work, or at home trying to accomplish a task. I didn’t have time to grieve. I didn’t have time, because I made sure I didn’t have time. COVID-19 suddenly made sure I had time. At first, I didn’t know what to call what I was feeling (and I’m the professional counselor here…hmmm). I felt like a caged animal. I was not emotionally functional (by my own personal definition). I was a blubbering mess, I cried all the time or else I just wanted to sleep. I was angry, frustrated and wanted to literally run away. I actually reached out to my two wonderful sister-in-laws for some stability because I was going nuts. I grew up where stoicism was worn like a proud war metal, so what was happening to me was the opposite of stoicism. I felt weak and unable to be in control. And let me tell you for someone that holds control on EVERYTHING, this didn’t feel so good. I finally sucked it up and made a counseling appointment. I had gone through counseling about 10 years prior as my marriage was falling apart. I was proud of myself at the time because counseling really provided me with some strength based skills that I use pretty consistently. When I did my first session with David my counselor, I actually apologized for failing him! Really Crystal?? Yep, apologized because I was embarrassed to be back on the couch again. I felt like I let him down. I sobbed the entire hour and I’m surprised he didn’t suggest inpatient care. What David did for me that first session was powerful. He used the term emotionally defenseless. He told me because of all the loss over the past 10 years I was emotionally defenseless to control my emotions right now. It suddenly clicked. I had run myself ragged to the point that my emotional health became compromised. I knew it was time to start doing the work. It was time to face the emotions of loss, grief, sadness, anger, overwhelming feelings of not knowing who I was without these people in my life. Knowing that for the first time I would have to stand up by myself and form my own identity. I have always been “Richard’s daughter”, “Lois’ daughter”, “Gary’s sister”, “Kim’s little sister”. They were always there to guide me and support me, to be my rocks when life hit hard, now, they were gone and now I have a lot of grieving to do. I hope you will follow along this journey with me as I learn to face these emotions head on and learn to walk a path I have never walked before.